You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
