I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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