were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
