Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
