im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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