Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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