the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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