he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize