I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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