the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
