i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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