she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
