i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I am one with the molecules
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
