Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
