I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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