I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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