Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
