there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
