Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Woke up backwards on a recliner
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
