i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
