Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
