I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
