the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
