I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
