Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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