I'll bet she douches with gravy.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
