Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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