It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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