Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Randomize