Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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