Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
