I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
