WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
