Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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