If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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