a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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