when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
