the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
