I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
