i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
