You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
