i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
