He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
