4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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