Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Is this like a preordered booty call?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
