I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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