I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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