why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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