I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
