i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
