I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
