On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
