hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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