I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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