I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
