I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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