I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
