So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
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She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
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Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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