I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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