Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
